You were right, I'm so drunk and I want to eat the shit out of my vanilla cupcake candle it smells delish
Experience is the best teacher
I'm just sayin u wanted to sleep after ur paper. I can make u sleep
I knew I had to get an abortion when his toddler sister came up to hug my leg and I kicked her off saying, "Get off, fucker."
He looks like Spencer from the game Dreamphone
ok watching intervention on tv. when i hit rock bottom - i wanna be THIS chick.
This girl told me she was a virgin the other day. I felt like I was talking to a unicorn.
where are you?
Hypothermia
I can only get completely wasted and hungry two more times and then we're out of fritos.
My dads not up on pop culture but he's not dumb enough to believe your 2 girls 1 cup reference at dinner was from the bible.
It took me 3 tries to get up the front steps. They kept me motivated by waving taco bell just out of my reach. Surprisingly effective.
He went to WalMart with $30 and came back with a watch, a basketball and an engagement ring.
At the ER, will you come pick me up... Had an allergic reaction, wanted to see if I could eat a peanut without dying... Do you how bad this is evolutionary, I would have died back in the days of survival of the fitest by now
Seriously, she had fingers that made me thank a god I don't even believe in that I'm gay.
I feel like a bottle of fireball rented a bull dozer and ran me over until I was left without a shred of my dignity
Bumble is fuckin insane here. I'm going to break a hip.
Randomize
