Tell your broad to take a big shot of 'chill the fuck out' and put it on my tab.
Whoa!!! Accidentally took a dump in chick's bathroom at Red Robin. 1 hr for coast to be clear. Women's farts sound like geese taking last breath. Liars.
I just had my first uncircumcised penis. I kept staring at it like the foreskin was going to fall off on its own.
You put your red cup in a chain link fence and kept telling me you could use it as a telescope
my tits taste like a pina colada. how often do you get to say that?
I just heard a guy scream "it must be five o' clock!!" and another guy screamed "somewhere!!!" out from different balconies.
you were so drunk when the pizza guy got there you told him that you didn't have any money and would trade him the pizza for 3 Porno movies and he totally did it. I may never have to pay for pizza again
Well he paid for dinner, so I paid for the Plan B, but the parking ticket I got is totally his responsibility.
Somehow me showing up to/breaking into her house only to find I was a week early for the party became a night of weed cookies and sex.
Hey he's not bad, although he did have a glass eye
Yeah when we were together he never sent me dick pics like a normal boyfriend. It was always pizzas. That should've been my sign.
It looks like I jerked off a rainbow.
When are your genitals available?
Yes we can sext. I'm taking my socks off.
I offered to go down on her because of how impressive her theatre career was. Stop letting me talk to lesbians.
Randomize
