the only thing i have to deal with now is the fact that i'm still wearing spandex shorts from last night
we have to go try and show our tits so we can get ID-free drinks at applebees
My dad just walked in on me screwing the chick from the bar...the look of relief on his face was sort of hurtful.
Can you bring me a pair of sunglasses to the bathroom please... Don't judge me.
I was also standing on my bed with a road cone pounding on the ceiling at 3am. Not sure why
i was staring at her drunk thinking "shes at least a four"
When I left you, you were walking into a room with a half naked girl. When I returned 2 minutes later, you were locked out of the room naked and she was screaming obscenities from inside. How do you manage to make every girl hat you?
Well after last night I am convinced he is real life Tyler Durden. He only exists to me and somehow keeps me out of jail this entire time
Happy birthday, you long dick monster
We dug deep emotionally while eating cereal
No more weed for you
We played a 4 hour game of True American then we fucked on the floor for a couple hours Happy 20th to me
I may have had several rum punches and then gone to the store and used European cucumbers to prove my baton twirling prowess.
I was so drunk at your wedding that Uber is now showing up in my Spotify recent searches.
Don't worry about us we're making Mac and cheese
MAC AND CHEESE ABORTED, WE HAD FIRE
I just kept eating and watching him slide down the stairs head first
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