Did you know Kal Penn works at the white house? That's almost white castle.
he wanted to give me a nickname... my choices were superjugs,godzilla boobs or mouth of fury
Chick stood right next to me in the elevator. Like she had the whole elevator and she stood right next to me. So I farted.
Preparing for wine wednesday. How would you feel about improvising and starting a white russian wednesday tomorrow instead? you know, shake things up a bit.
I have not carelessly put myself in herpes way since I got a clean bill of health tyvm.
It's isn't revenge sex until you've cum on her porcelain doll collection.
Chick in class has 69 tattooed on the back of her neck. Target acquired.
Sorry, they don't make maternity Power Ranger suits...
Youre attempt to ruin my night by putting Date Rape by Sublime on my sex playlist failed. She was into it.
Peanut butter balls.
IF YOU EVEN COME NEAR MY BALLS AGAIN I SWEAR TO GOD
Okay I know I said I was going to quit drinking for a while but apparently pumpkin pie flavored vodka is a thing and I will not rest until I have some.
I told my mom I'm great in bed. That is quality mother daughter bonding.
I flashed my cleaning lady and don't remember who I went on a date with. I know who I woke up with though, that counts right?
Honestly, the only reason I've been productive today was because I ended up organizing my apartment while searching for my vibratory charger.
This is the third time this month a guy I’m not dating has dumped me. How is this even possible???
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