Cops are here now. U need to come back. Ur not under arrest. But u need to apologize to the woman for what you did to her cat.
i'm chasing tequila w mint flavored ice cream, phil's chasing it w cream cheese, bashar's chasing it w pickles...i think we all know who the winner is....
i think i would be perfectly content if, on my deathbed, i could look back on a life that didn't have any fisting in it
Speaking of school, I've done the math and I get laid about 10 times more often than I did before I got my law degree. $100,000 well spent.
He was putting purell on my boobs saying "they need to be clean for later." He hadn't had a drink all night
He told me he wanted to break up so he could get "closer to God."
Does God suck his dick?
Dude, she found the red hair dye from 4th of July. then she proceeded to give you a red mohawk for a more patriotic thanksgiving eve. How do you not remember that?
all time personal low: room service guy going "You want french fries AND onion rings???"
Come over. I'll eat you out and we'll make bacon.
best text I've received ever.
So I got lost trying to find you guys and ended up proposing to a bride in a bachelorette party with a condom.
My boobs love her too. She makes them feel important even though they're small
The fact that it neither of us came up with the reason of "it's morally and ethically wrong" speaks volumes about this relationship
And then she said "welcome homeeeee!!!" As she got off. Best thing about being back from Afghanistan
I just lost my handcuff virginity and not in the sexy way.
And, by “make you dinner” I mean “have lots of sex and multiple orgasms.” So you should probably eat something and before you come over
And hydrate too
Randomize
