Your face is a jimmy john
12 pack with dinner. Living by yourself is awesome.
He never called back after I emailed him my booty call contract.
I'm gonna have bed sores at the end of this hangover.
ya i looked horrible drunk and pregnant isn't a good combination
So I heard you only slept with me because you were drunk...is that true?
That depends on who this is.
Having sex with her is like doing taxes, Happens once a year and I usually end up paying.
he broke up with her mid blow job, and somehow convinced her to finish. I want his life
your bra might or might not be a decoration on me and my roomies xmas tree haha
Just got a groupon for a segway rental: fireworks segway battle at my house. What say you?
Things are coming back to me in chunks. I vaguely remember signing a shirt that said 'I enjoy vagina'
I AM SO PROUD OF YOU
If there aren't any tits where you are, you're doing it wrong.
After you finished the $300 bottle of wine you just started crying about how if Mulder and Scully didn't invite you to join the x-files your life would be meaningless because you "love that weird shit"
If not, I can murder my liver twice...it's like a cat, it has 9 lives
She dropped the call after she told me she doesn't want to hear about how loud he can scream.
Randomize
