that speech was about as successful as her performance in twilight
Turns out you can't chew it over with twix in real life
Dude I've never seen anyone get slapped that hard
In a meeting with the accounting department. This shit is even more boring in real life and there isn't a professor to wake me up.
My vagina senses are tingling. I know your here.
Brilliant thought; pill pong.
What could go wrong?
No, he went to go get condoms. The least I could do was chug two beers before he got back
You left me a voice message at 5 a.m. It was mostly incoherent noise, you screaming my name and then something about a man with two butt holes...
well, at the moment I'm sleeping in someone's closet in a buzzlightyear snuggie, so I can't judge,
Totally forgot I asked the cop for a theoretical fist bump and he still let me drive away
Well right but if we go, he may just disappear for a long time into the unknown with the drag queens.
I need drugs. Hard drugs. Today. Not tomorrow. Today. Something relaxing.
also my alarm just went off. I am always amused at what time drunk me decides to wake up.
I totally have a huge crush on him though which is fucking up my "classy she-demon with limited feelings" vibe
You know you're good at multi-tasking if you can get a lap dance from someone while simultaneously eating a burrito.
So my dad just asked, "did you leave without pants a lil bit ago?"
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