Knee deep in strippers, everything is comped. will try hard to be there at 8. i promise.
Awesome, the library of congress archived all tweets. Now my great great grandchildren can pinpoint the date they inherited alcoholism.
well I mean we knew we had more drinkers than runners, so we had a "case race for the cure" for relay for life instead of an actual marathon. day drinking and philanthropy. can't go wrong.
I walked in and she was kneeling on the ground with no pants on, throwing up, and holding the puppy. It was one of those moments, where i was like damn i wish i had my camera.
I really appreciate you zipping up my pants at the bar. You didn't even ruin my Bermuda triangle.
I've officially done it all, fucked a girl wearing a twister board. ABC parties are amazing!
It's was about average. But he had a tat on his thigh that said "pull-out n' rollout" so I won't have to worry about a round two request.
i need some food
Holy shit I forgot about you stabbing him.
Something about Sunday night screams phone sex
Dont even get me started. you fell asleep in my kitchen after being cockblocked when you tried to use my roommates bedroom.
okay, but you can't tell anyone. Every time he instagrams something with the caption "avocado," it means he's booty calling me. Happy?
I'm too drunk to explain this to you. It's too hard.
Currently rolling a blunt in the bathroom of Planned Parenthood
You thought they were asking for volunteers for a karaoke contest so you jumped up not realizing it was actually a "last 3 minutes boxing match". But you took that right hook like a champ.
I called plan parenthood at 407 am... Guess I was thinking ahead
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