There's this guy beside me dancing with this girl with no panties on. When I looked at him he said he's babysitting his bestfriend's girlfriend since he can't come out.
What a good friend
I slept walked to the toilet and woke up pooping. Easily one of the most disorienting events of my life.
Remind me to never go to the bar with your Asian friends again. I need to be able to read or pronounce what I'm drinking.
would he be offended if i told him that "national coming out day" is october 11. thats subtle enough right?
False alarm it was margarita mix all over my hands not blood
All I really need to know is how to say "where is the bathroom" and "I don't take it in the butt anymore". I think that will suffice.
I wanted to be mature but the vodka was resilient.
What happened to my knees?
You ate shit in front of the homeless people. They applauded.
I had to puke in a ditch beside a cow pasture and like 50 cows just stood there and watched. I could feel the judgment.
I'm still alive btw, in case you were worried about my well being.
He's a drill sergeant! The sadomasochist in me can't resist that.
Why does 10AM Spanish always turn into a discussion about my sex life?
He is in my tree wearing full on scuba gear ... Get here asap.
Took it for the first time last night, and i saw a giant pillsbury boy coming after me with a wrench in his hand.
I just checked and if you bring a picture of your ex they will shred it and give you a free 'hater shot'. Would it be too much to print off one of their wedding pictures and bring it?
I really love that you're not going the 'why am I not married and having a kid yet?' route, but rather 'thank god I dodged that bullet'
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