Remember when we were trying to guess how many people could fit in my shower? The answer is 7
I just tried to light a cigarette with a tube of lipstick. If I had stayed in girl scouts maybe I could've made that happen.
I feel that my census will not be the first census submitted soaked in beer
I'm telling everyone at work the mark on my neck is a hickey but really I was taking a shit while straightening my hair and burned myself
THEY HAVE A VOMIT TROUGH.
What?
A TROUGH FOR VOMIT.
so apparently mom and dad slept together on the first date
i guess it runs in the family.
i did the responsible thing and pissed myself...
Dude this stripper just dry humped the settings off my phone. She earned that dollar
came home to a trail of roses from the door halfway up the stairs. but my nonsingle roommate lives downstairs. idk if they celebrated on the stairs or if some girl tried to woo me last night and i don't remember
just peed on my shirt somehow, im calling it a day
But he was still all, "YOU TEXTED TONY WHILE YOU WERE GETTING FUCKED?!" Like THAT was the weird part.
What. The. Fuck.
You'll have to be more specific. I do a lot of "what the fuck" kind of stuff
His beard looks like it smells like beer, cocaine and old pussy juice
My boss's toddler just went through my bag and found your vibrator...you owe me a drink.
I'm a peeled potato compared to her. I'm a peeled potato compared to anyone. I'm a peeled potato.
Are you high?
Randomize
