Have you finally orgasmed yet?
We walk out of his house and his dad is there, so I had to meet him and shake his hand pretending that same hand hadn't been down his son's pants five minutes earlier
this isnt the person you just texted but i have her phone. she disappeared when the bacon came home and she hasn't returned since.
And i didn't ask you to do that, You showed your penis at your own free will.
There is a mirror in the headboard of the bed that I'm sleeping in so I can immediately question life choices when I wake up.
Look, if he's not the brother with three nipples, I'm just not interested.
Last night we looked at each other with an expression of "fuck I am so done being normal", took off our shirts, and danced around in our bras
A guy at one of our big accounts just said you probably dont remember meeting me saturday night ps you were right about those two girls being lesbian
I woke up with a pinecone in my hair. A full pine cone.
For the record, just because I'm a mess doesn't mean I don't know what I'm talking about when I give you advice. I'm way better at other people's lives.
I can not believe he edited a picture of our three way and made it his profile picture
I saw seagulls fucking earlier today. What have you done with your life recently?
Like actually I will be single and sad and lonely for ever. Cheese will be my life partner. Robot sex is my future.
Did we do drunk science last night? There's tequila in the test tubes...
I realize that my conversation topics seem to only be about bees and my cross dressing fiance. Thank you for being my friend.
Randomize
