Take xtc, wait 20 minutes and then take a shower. Trust me.
so you masturbated because Oprah told you?
You know your in college when you decide house chores with games of beer pong...
Hypothetical question: If I threw up in the dishwasher do I clean it up or just turn it on? :(
You do realize that you tried to eat the neighbors cat because the dominos guy was 5 minutes late. You would have succeeded if we didnt stop you.
She wasn't to happy when she went to put her shirt on and it was covered in cum I just looked at her and said collateral damage....
I woke up in a trash can. Please dude. I don't know what I did to you last night, but I'm sorry. Epically sorry. Please call me back. Please.
Dinner at my parents is vodka, lemonade, cheese ad crackers. Why would I leave?
Best line overheard at the bar: "This is the last time I'm shaving my ass for him...I mean we just broke up".
I woke up this morning with 3 phone numbers, a red Chinese New Year envelope with cash in it, and a winning scratcher all stuffed in my bra. I'd say it was a pretty successful Thursday night.
I just noped my wife on Tinder. Turns out I was the second one to find out that we both have it.
Take off your clothes and see if he wants to have sex, that's a good way to find out
Where the fuck are you? I just got punched in the nose by a tourist
I'm 80% sure I have pink eye. This is my penance for being a homewrecker.
You should probably come home from vacation now. I make badddd decisions when you're gone.
Randomize
