YOU CAN MICROWAVE POPTARTS!?!??!
I just Organized my jello shots by their colors in my mini fridge for the rest of the week. I'm going places in life.
you fucking puked into the top of the beer bong while i was chugging from it. when i realized i was chugging your vomit, i vomitted on the floor. she kicked us both out.
There's two girls at the bar sniffing each others boobs.
Apparently I was holding on to a pizza crust for hours last night.
He will. He has no choice. What's he gonna do? Find a better fuck buddy? We both know that's not possible. I'm the ideal friend with benefit. Minus snoring and uneven tits.
At what point lastnight did a lens fall out of my glasses and nobody tell me?
I FINALLY HAVE A REASON TO DYE MY PUBES BLUE!!!
A girl just asked me if we had pregnancy tests and a coworker had to stop me from telling her I was a pregnancy test. THAT is why I don't drink at work.
I'm pretty sure I said "this might be the last time I'm in here" but then I took his pants off so that's a mixed message
If they could bottle a hangover it would taste exactly like lemon lime Gatorade and failed hopes and dreams
I'm sure there's been a weekend in 2014 we were sober... Clearly it wasn't fun, bc I can't recall it. Point proven, alcohol is key.
Chipotle farts are not good for seducing boys.
How many hotdogs are you going to eat today?
THE LIMIT DOES NOT EXIST.
There is this guy in here. He didn't even get ice cream he just filled up his cup with mini marshmellows, chocolate syrup, about a lb of grahm cracker crumbs and walked around to everyone in the shop saying "hey, hey look here, I just made fucking s'mores." He was SO proud of himself.
Randomize
