I scissor kicked a one legged man last night.
He was trying to put me in handcuffs.
You have my attention.
you used to get mad at me for mentioning 'unprotected sex' and happenings in my bed
well yeah, but then i realized the wisdom of your ways.
just woke up with an anonymous loaf of bred in my bed and a piece in my mouth. this says alot about my life.
He just made a mudslide using rubinoff and swiss miss packets. This can't end well....
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We made a bong out of a plastic football. I can honestly say we make a good team.
i think i traded my wallet for a tim hortons gift card.
Why do I only have half my beard? My chin is so naked...
I think I won over his best friend. He was staring at my boobs all night.
After much deliberatipn and vodka, my favourite phrase of Christmas 2012 is "penis of last resort"
I don't know if I want context or not...
Context involves faux incest and champagne. Id go into detail but im on shot number 5.
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About to be a 4Loko vomit fountain in 45 seconds, what color will it be? Animated birds will fly out of me.
She is so graceful and lady-like, like a swan... On meth
I'm sitting on the toilet eating a Chick-Fil-A breakfast sandwich. How's your Monday?
How do I say "I want to suck your balls" in a classy but sexy way,
nobody put me to bed and I ended up peeing on a tree and got written up
I'll explain later but I just had to legally commit to abstinence for the next 4 months