hey, can i borrow that thing you never use?
what?
your penis
It is 3am. I'm at a pizzeria with my 4 friends. The one to my right is throwing up on herself, the one to my left is crying hysterically by herself, the one in front of me is passed out on the table, and the other is trying to find a taxi and I'm pretty sure a guy is sticking his hand up her skirt. Tourists are taking pictures. Help me.
bring the vodka.
i thought we were going to mcdonalds..?
we are.
You just kept saying "I want my babies to look like you."
This girl has a second refrigerator that she uses JUST for liquor, her kitchen chairs are kegs AND she can grill. I'm not coming back.
The cops are here to take me to jail, so I guess I have to go with them. If I'm not out by 6 p.m., there is some left-over lasagna in the fridge for you.
And then, I saw the prophecy come to fruition. It was the Dick of Destiny.
You used a fucking bud light like as lube last night. I'd get a UTI test like stat.
I swear, I make more use of my creative writing major with sexting than I do with anything else
He went in for a kiss so I shook his hand instead.
I'll seduce him with my charm, after all, I am a graceful swan.
More like a demented cow.
Did you really think putting a napkin over your head would make you giving him a bj less obvious?
Are you still passed out in my back seat, or do I need to come find you?
Well the cops were called after the kid fell, but we saw 4 cute guys from our window while it was going down, so it wasn't all that bad.
Yes. I had to slow down my handjob so he would last...-and I give shitty handjobs to begin with
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