As we were fooling around he told me he was conceived on this bed like it would turn me on.
I had to explain to my dentist that my tooth was chipped because we designated my mouth as the official way to open beer. I feel like our level of partying is no longer socially acceptable.
Everyone is drunk but me. Fantastic. Everyone is hooking up but me. Awkward.
I had a pitcher of margaritas. Now I'm in a laundry room being a 5th wheel and crying. I made myself a bed out of a pool floatie. I win.
nothing says "functioning mature adult" like sneaking beer out of your mom's fridge in a lunchbox
Ps I just used the "If you give a mouse a cookie" defense in a real life situation. Suck it
But for real, I had the best sex of my life on that bunk bed
Do I lose at life if I cry in a grocery store while buying a pregnancy test?
I woke up without my clothes on covered up with a towel on the floor because for some reason I took a bath in my clothes at 2am.
$1 drinks and Playboy theme. I am never leaving this place
Simultaneously sexting while making brunch plans. Multitasking at its gayest.
Well now you know not to take drugs from your friends. Take it from stangers. They're more reliable.
Not all of us can be into hot dads. Some of us have to have commitment issues and be into musicians.
He's just been a dick since he set his face on fire. I just wanted to eat a fucking hot dog.
She is getting high and watching the Hobbit. I want her life.
So she is basically watching her own life story: short people traveling to strange places.
Just got my second shot
Baller. We’re going to be knee deep in strippers and coke in 10 days
Randomize
