so i know my style isnt the best ever but u should have told me i was wearing two different shoes
apparently they wrote a song entitled "butt slut" about her... im thinking shes not girlfriend material.
Don't know how I even got in. I pulled my id out and threw it at the bouncer, and he just picked it up, checked it, and let me in.
Just please never masturbate in my bed again. I'm burning my sheets as I write this.
only in a texas roadhouse would someone whistle while I was breastfeeding.
trust me, you don't know shame until you're in a peacock costume getting CPR by random dudes
Is it possible to rally from a drunken seizure?
We've started traveling with Michael and Patrick so we can pretend we're two legit straight couples.
A charade that fell apart the second another couple on the cruse found Sarah face down in my box on an observation deck.
Why would I take you home? That would eliminate the chances of you making bad decisions I could ridicule you about later.
Ah, drunk me ordered sushi at 3 a.m. for sober me's lunch the next day. EXCELLENT
I was so high I started singing Let It Go and then instantly started laughing 'cause I was eating ice. Everyone just stared.
I'm really proud of my unchallenged ability to convert boob guys into ass men
I've had more sex since the twins moved in than I'd had in the previous four years. They are the best wingman ever.
I've amended my previous statement: I'm not allowed to put in my two weeks till I ask out the waitress. Now I have motivation on two levels
I should probably just LinkedIn request everyone I've ever slept with so they stop popping up on my suggested connections list
Randomize
