This row in front of you is like duck, duck, goose - but eating disorder, eating disorder, failed eating disorder
On Saturday, I sharted on my roommates dog while trying to make it smell my farts. Today I got security clearance to work for one of the most respected and secretive govt agencies in the US
It's the American dream
Latest life lesson : don't accidentally send an "I nutted on her tramp stamp" text to your tattoo-less girlfriend. Oops.
Everytime I cough, my tampon falls out a little bit. Does this mean I'm loose?
Woke up naked in another mans house. If that keeps happening, then I probably need to go gay. You know to make it ok.
I just found a pubic hair on my dick that wasn't mine.
we marched down beaver avenue with lit tiki torches humming the olympics opening song.
Theres also beggin' strips and a dog bone in the corner...nooo signs of there being a dog though.
i just spent 10 minutes talking to the lady who works at taco bell about my romantic situation.
Walk of shame dressed as a Christmas tree, it happened. Ho ho ho bitches
His whole street is under construction. Third walk of shame this week & I'm getting a lot of sympathetic nods from the workers.
so I think we need to change lawn care services...the guy woke me up by the pool while I was naked...told me he already picked up all the beer cans for us and gave me his number for the next time we party...
Not going to lie, when I looked in the tub I expected to see what might have been remnants of a squirrel.
He’s going to a lawnmower race. I got a Brazilian and he’s racing a lawnmower race. Pick me up. I’m not wasting this waxing on John Deer
Apparently I told the mayor I want to be a trophy wife
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