she doesn't hate you. She just thinks you need a personality adjustment, speech therapy and weight watchers.
halloween is SO much better on drugs, why didn't anyone let us know about this when we were kids
No mixer. Vodka in yogurt?
He waited exactly 18 minutes to booty call me after his break up.
After three games of beer pong ending in victory by death cup, all four of us bonded in the fact that we all slept with the girl's boyfriend at some point in time in the past year. She had no idea.
Theres a midget tsa agent. Just an observation
you put your hands over the taxi driver's eyes and shouted GUESS THE WAY TO THE CLUB
We proceeded to buy tattoos from the dollar store and interpretive dance to of monsters and men, it's safe to say he's my new fuck buddy
You're like my little fucked up version of the groundhog seeing its shadow, only it's boobs and warm weather.
Uh I almost got the bride to go down on me. I'm the smoothest maid of honor ever.
I'm at a first year old's birthday party and a midget dressed as a cop just showed up. Word is we're going to toss and bowl with him. Updates to come.
he accidentally put it in my ass, i liked it but didn't tell him that and "accidentally" took his weed.
And you know what the worst part is? Because of him I can now relate to a goddamn Taylor Swift song. FUCK. MY. LIFE.
I just want to say that I've always loved you and you are my best friend ever
You gave that creepy guy my number, didn't you? You really need to learn how to just say no, not interested.
When I woke up this morning I swear my mouth tasted like dick and rolaids.
Randomize
