I'm taking child development now so if you get pregnant i can raise your child no worries
there's a wrestler here in a Ferrari//puma hoodie who is telling girls his win//loss record as a pickup line.
No dude trust me, just go a strip club at their busiest hours and pick the ugliest chick. Guaranteed she blows you for under 20$, the record stands at $7.67 and a pen from Bank of America,
sudden memory flashback: you and i having sex on the bed, erin sitting naked in your desk chair drinking whiskey straight from the bottle while harassing you for your computer password to play some "mood music." high five. go us.
I feel like I'm taking part in a surprise porno. At least my hair looked good.
I told them the reason I passed out was because of "heat exhaustion." Not from showing up drunk. Good thing this is Arizona.
I'm gonna cougar town the shit out of that prom.
And by go well you mean everyone's hammered right?
Yupp. And someone's bleeding
You threw up on yourself mid conversation with your mom and then told her a girl at the party puked on you.
I love how my phone automatically capitalizes Margarita. R-e-s-p-e-c-t.
My liver appreciates your vow of avoiding matrimony
I saw a penis covered in glitter tonight.
I think we have some hyper-understanding of each other when drunk, because looking back at our text convo from last night, they were literally just jumbled letters.
You know you've hit a new slutty low when you're simultaneously sexting and having a tea party with a 4 year old
There are footprints all over my windshield
You said you were making waffles...
Randomize
