my dad came in to wish me a happy birthday and found me passed out in my underwear with the lights on and a plate of meat on the bed. i bet he was proud to have contributed to my creation in that moment.
Dude it was weird. The strippers vagina tasted kind of like your mother's.
Jesus once told his disciples that its better to hang out with your best friend than give some douche bag a bj.
she got into med school, i feel dumb for banging her dance major friend
Nothing quite says Coachella like me doing high yoga in the middle of a field by myself
He puked in the voicemail. That's a true friend right there.
My crowning drunk achievement from that night was donating $5 to the Obama campaign.
You're perfect
i swear to god if you did anything to my honey bunches ill remove all the oats and shove them up your dickhole then play pinata with my foot to knock them all back out
Woke up on the floor with shoes on my hands...I'd say it was a success
Im selling my dirty underwear to pay for that cruise. NO JUDGEMENT . I love you lol ❤❤ also dont tell anyone
I just did a bump with my mom so I’d sober up for Black Friday shopping
I think I just scared the sex out of my booty call. He saw me at the grocery store using one of those "future mother" parking spots right next to the handicap ones. He just made eye contact and drove off. I regret my laziness.
so i fell out of a tree on the ave last night. someone told me there was alcohol at the top. bastards.
Apparently I was carrying around a bottle of listerine calling it 5 loco
I am going as Rudolph for the Christmas Eve furry orgie.
Is Santa taking the sleigh of slutty reindeer around the neighborhood again this year.
Yes. Several neighbors have requested it.
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