after we finished, she said she had been a backup performer for Cirque du Soleil. THAT flexible.
well my dad not being home definitely made it less awkward to walk in carrying the bra I left wearing.
I found out what happened to that girls weave last night. It was draped over a bush in my backyard.
I automatically know you're drunk now as soon as you start yelling in spanish
One good thing about being a mom now, I can tell which guys I'm dating were breastfed and which weren't... By the way they latch on to my breast during sex! Kinda kills the mood.
remember when I told you about my grandma asking me about my sex scars? Less comfortable than that
I'm pretty sure the bus driver knew how hung over I was and hit all the pot holes on purpose. I threw up into my water bottle.
Tried to drunkenly hop a fence with my cast on to get away from the cops but ended up falling over a bench.. how do I explain those bruises to my parents?
Holy high batman
The hairdryer was like a fuckin obstacle course
If a handjob meant commitment I would literally touch zero dicks
so it took us like 45 minutes to get into the party.... then when we wanted to leave we were blocked and forced to stay.
....you got kicked INTO a party??
Serio, who the fuck falls down coming offstage wearing nothing but pasties, a g-string, and a fake moustache, and now suddenly needs a tetanus shot. Me. That's who.
I had a dream last night that I met Diplo. Now I'm just sad
I successfully navigated a full, lengthy interaction with my dad in which he never asked me if I was freshly baked. 10 points.
Hard not to be concerned when you call me, tell me you've discovered the secret to flying, vomit, then hang up the phone. So yes, I'm coming to pick you up.
Randomize
