Todays lesson: Chew your food better when your drunk. I almost choked throwing up this morning.
i walked into his room and he was eskimo kissing his weed..
He doesn't need a wingman, he needs a miracle
Turns out they use me as an example of What Not To Do at freshman orientation. My little brother told me.
Had her hockey skates on in the house. Whole floor is ruined.
Using what I learned in my global terrorism class last semester to sneak booze onto my cruise. thanks college.
I'm so pissed my boobs hit the emergency stop button during my workout
Are you drunk? Because I am and if you're not, this may be very awkward in the morning
Thats for me to know and you to find out.
I'm so hungover. I just keep eating the otter pops I'm trying to use to get rid of my hickies.
my entire left arm went numb
you need to get that checked to make sure you're not wired to have strokes instead of orgasms
Yeah, I got home from work at like 9:30, and he was passed out on the couch wearing only a tee shirt and The Jurassic Park theme on repeat.
I've seen too many dicks in the past week. I can't do it anymore.
I love that my family celebrates every holiday with a joint. Chanukah? Mazel-juana! Easter? What's more spring than the color green? Election day? What better way to celebrate democracy in action than medical pot?
I may have broke the toilet masturbating. On a positive note the floor is really clean now.
I texted him back and I am so nervous I may vomit up all of the soup I just ate.
Randomize
