Its midnight, he's burning water on the stove and keeps yelling at me and telling me not to burn myself.
Got high and weighed everything in the house. My head is 16.2 pounds. Is that ok?
Hey just wanted to let you know my nose is broken and I have a fractured wrist. I told you it wasn't a slip and slide.
Dude I didn't think you'd do it. I mean come on, who puts a slip and slide on their driveway?
Call me when you get back form court. Hopefully its not later than noon. Just remember..win or lose we still booze.
hr gave me pretxwk salad and a doubke shot of grey goose. i approve! tou guys are a beautidil couple.
Don't let her tell you any different. She licked the balls of my hamster for that $100. It was a group bet. She won.
If the cops knock on your door and ask if you saw anyone throw an orange out the window I was never there.
Sorrye. The bathtuv says hi. But theresno water in it. I've wanted too tell you for the longest, but nevr could
Ok in all seriousness. Alcohol intake is now restricted for me. I found handcuffs in my trunk.
weekly advice from mom, "Drink vodka, it las hess calories"
Can you find me some 'I threw up in my hair last night' medicine?
My walk of shame was four miles long and I had to stop for a water break. I am the picture of class.
The stripper told Tom to sort his life out
I hate when my Bumble matches make it hard for me to stalk them.
You could at least care enough to fake an orgasm for me.
Randomize
