I kinda knew it wasnt going to pan out when he would rather watch how i met your mother ON TIVO than fuck me......
He kept buying me shots of tequila. I decided to just save myself the half hour of toilet hugging and tell him straight up that I intended on sleeping with him. We got Tacos on the way home with all the money we saved.
Please tell me you're throwing the cats into this foot of snow.
Remind me never to take that much Vicodin ever again. I laid in bed measuring my heart rate for an hour and a half because I was afraid it would stop.
The amount of alcohol I'm going to consume on my birthday is directly proportional to the amount of shit I've had to put up with this past year. Which is a lot.
I think I hit my head on every surface in that apartment last night
i have a raging boner for Saturday, day drinking is one of my top favorite things right next to alligator wrestling and blowing shit up
When that bartender tried to tell us he sang like Sade, I knew it was time to go
He said he didnt want to choke me, I said im sorry thats a deal breaker.
You asked for his ID and then said "I am like a bouncer but for my vagina."
I don't have any plans for New Year's except watching anime and drinking until I can't read the subtitles anymore.
You need to stop telling people you gained weight over the holidays. You've been fat since July.
Acid king. Jackson puked a lot. Promoter booth. Angry security. No acid. Probably a good thing.
You know something is wrong with your life when your mom is at the bar getting free tequila shots and you aren't
my ex finally blocked me on all social media and tbh I'm only pissed because his roomate just got a puppy
Randomize
