you were crying because peter frampton wasnt your dad
New scientific discovery: The hypothetical attractiveness of a woman increases exponentially as her skirt:boot ratio approaches zero. Nobel Prize in my future?
yeah he couldn't walk in a straight line and started throwing up and told the cop he just has an astigmatism
The polaroid of me taking a test-tube of Jegar out of the gay guys mouth pretty much explains my trip to Spain.
They can't keep moving my court date back, i dont know if I'll survive another one of these going away to jail parties.
THERE IS A WINE CUBE IN MY ASS THIS IS NOT GOING AS PLANNED
Going to the bathroom drunk while wearing overalls is such a struggle
That happens a lot to the people around me. It's like I'm radioactive but instead of cancer, you get desensitized to the word cunt
YOU BROUGHT HANDCUFFS TO THE WHITE ELEPHANT EXCHANGE AND DIDN'T TELL ME???
Dude, if that was the MLB player I think it was leaving your bedroom this morning please tell me you got his autograph. It could pay the rent for like six months.
I took my makeup off with mouthwash. Seemed like a good idea. It worked.
Why the fuck is there a goat in the kitchen
Honestly my life is shambles over a married man who looked like a fuckin NERD ON HIS WEDDING DAY
His parents then knew me as the blackout who took care of him and stole his watch
he said he only had one rule...that he'd only go down on me 3x a day. so far this is turning into the best relationship ever.
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