8th day he invented the big mac, 9th he invented pop rocks, 10th day boobs.
swear to god, just saw some chick dressed in a full chicken costume buying eggs and telling the cashier that she "just wants her babies back."
buy whatever she's on. a lot of it.
No I'm not proud of you for not sleeping with him. He has herpes. You don't get a gold star for behaving how you're expected to. Trust me. I'm a teacher.
Thursday nights need to stop happening to me.
If i theoretically had to put an iv back in what do I need to do?
I legit just said "vaginal access denied" then told him his password hint was "tequila shots"
the reason i can drink whatever i want and you have a limit is because whiskey will never make my pussy not work
I couldn't think of the word "bath" so instead I told him I was marinating in soapy water
reason #326 why I'm still single.... my date just told me there's a little boy ghost that lives in his closet because he likes his music.
Dude my doctor just legit got down on her knees and loudly begged me to do my pap smear
It was the easiest thing I've ever done. 3am she walked into my room, saw my Buffalo Bills blanket, said go bills and got naked.
Please tell your sister I apologize about saying her baby may have beef curtains. That was inappropriate.
I think vodka/water/skittles totally beats your crystal light mimosas
One time she showed me her pierced nipples in our high school locker room and now she has a daughter
I like the new guy, he keeps beer in the fridge.
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