I woke up to a paper award certificate for best blow job and he was gone. You're welcome mystey man.
Said he had been eating pineapple for a week before our 1st date. Not sure if thankful for his consideration or offended by his assumption.
I smell like Captain Morgan and tears
I found my underwear on the sidewalk 8 blocks from her house while on my walk of shame. I also found our beer bag and a full beer in the bush.
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He ripped off his shirt and tried to give me CPR. That damn bong.
its sad im about to start saving up for how drunk i need to be for the holidays
Ice skating? Did you see me last night? I don't even know where my socks are
I cannot be this high in this house. This house has so many of my secrets in its walls.
You had one beer and one beer can full of vodka and you took a huge gulp of one of them and called it Emily Roulette
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Yeah except my drinking partners aka my parents went to sleep Cuz ya know, they're old.
If you sleep with another manager before the year is up you'll deserve an accomplishment sticker.
He called his dick "The Beast" and said he lived "The Beast Life". He was pretty but it was better if he didn't talk.
even my drug dealer wished me a happy birthday before my mother did.
She forgot a bra so she just used seran wrap. The scary thing is, it worked.
But if you move out who will get drunk with me on the roof and yell at boys?!?
Randomize