just fell over trying to sit on the toliet like a robot.
the non-midget kid sent 8,000 texts in a month. the midget parents are pissed. THIS IS EPIC WHEN YOUR HIGH.
i wish there was a 'silent except for booty calls' volume level on my phone
Fact: Telling a guy he has erectile dysfunction doesn't solve the problem.
We didn't have a blender for the margaritas, so she tried to use the garbage disposal and wasted half a handle of my grandpa's good tequila.
Then she cat effected the picture of my dick I sent her the other night. I'm in love.
We could all 3 jump out of a cake in just tophats. A true marble cake.
I'll be there in a few.
I'M COUNTING TO FEW.
Opted for cash back rather than the 10% extra I'd get for store credit, solely for drinks tonight.
You're lovely.
Nooo, I ran into two if my exes, both having their engagement parties at the bar. It was like a fucking Eskimo family reunion, but with more tequila.
This is classic penis vs brain.
I have fence marks all over my body
Do not try to steal a picnic table from a park, all you will end up with are sore arms and broken dreams.
I turned on Elf, made myself a mojito, and am eating one of a sleeve of Ritz. You tell me if I wanna go out tonight.
i told him the only way i'd fuck him was if he saved me during the zombie apocolypse and took me to a tastefully decorated yet impenetrable hideout.
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