I'm not giving my ex her earrings back. If some chick i hated gave me brownies i would still eat them. It's the same thing.
I threw a jar of pickles out the window at a police car, why was that not a good enough reason to put me to bed?
Soooo, if his status went from married to single and he deleted all the pictures of his kids does that mean he's up for dibbs?
You never did explain why you were in wal-mart with a wok full of popcorn.
Dude, I think someone on your skype account may have seen me beat off. I used your computer and didnt realize you were still signed in. Please tell me no one was on...
the number of desperate girls at the gym right now is unfair. it would be cruel not to let one blow me.
whenever he tweets that he wants to get blackout it's like a neon sign for "i want to bang you tonight"
You asked me to text you at 11 and remind you that he's 33. It's 11:20. He's 33.
you're too late. he has eggnog and whiskey and all seven seasons of buffy. I shan't be coming home tonight
my cockatiel has aquired a taste for beer. I should not be allowed to own exotic pets.
I just tried to pay for a coffee with a dollar and a necco wafer.
My dad made a joke about you sending me strippers for valentine's day so clearly everything here is normal
Pretty sure I just noped a member of the Canadian women's hockey team on Tinder.
It's not a funeral, it's a celebration of life. Going commando AND braless is really just honoring him!
lol hangovers are for mortals.
its a comptetion of fuckups and im HERE TO WIN
Randomize
