You know, as long as there were ice cream breaks, I would totally eat chips for a living.
a chick just tried to cover her fart by sneezing. it didn't work
Just got laid for the first time in 3 yrs, 10 mo, 1 wk & 2 days. YESSSS.
come home now. i got a twizzler tangled in my hair again
He took the lighter and said "this is how I give myself a bikini wax."
Oh we will ALWAYS be together. Or I'll have to delete my Facebook altogether. I've drunkenly boobie trapped photos of us into every album. There's no way I'd ever have the patience to go through that deletion process.
just got home. some guy on my porch is tryin to show me his balls. no more parties at my apartment.
Hey is there a picture of me in a trash can on your phone?
I swear to god there was like a 2-second timespan in which he went from laughing to coughing, hiccuping, and subsequently projectile vomiting into the grass. There is literally a line in the grass, about 2 yards long, of his puke. It was more impressive than disgusting to be honest. And then he just shrugged and said "I have no idea where that came from."
Technically, I traded a soft pretzel for sex last night...
I had to write an apology letter to my roomate for hotboxing in our bathroom. What a bitch.
That reminds me of the morning I woke up on the sidewalk covered in chicken wings
Ugh. I need to go to the store, but I'm too lazy. Whatever shall I do? That girls still passed out. I should steal her car
It's a race to see if I finish the bottle first or my homework
Why did you buy a cock ring?
I’m going to propose to his penis
Randomize
