I'm relatively certain my chiropractor just judged me for admitting that my back is misaligned from the sex we had last night...
Well if my looks don't work with her I'll eat the 50 nuggets to impress her fat roommate.
Climbing through a window thats four feet off the ground isnt the easiest thing when youre high, trust me.
Let me be the 15% helpful, 85% useless as shit angel on your shoulder.
We're both great liars, in committed relationships, and horny. Its the perfect storm of cheating
Dude. I've never been with a guy who just wanted to go down on me all the time including while I'm shooting zombies on call of duty. My life is complete.
Not gonna make it. My ovaries are playing laser tag
I just woke up to a ten minute voicemail of you sobbing about the X-Men. Stop getting drunk and watching Marvel movies.
BUT WOLVERINE IS SO TORMENTED AND JUST WANTS TO BE LOVED
I hope dressing like a sexy, but very grown up and intelligent, secretary while out shopping helps disguise how high I am right now.
how drunk are you?
Several
Idk, but the girl in his story had really nice eyebrows and was singing The Climb. How about you CLIMB the fuck away from my man
FORGET THE EYEBROWS
I really wish you were home bc youre the only friend I could ask to use an at home waxing kit on my vagina. I need you.
My parents heard a lamp fall and crash and the dogs were barking like crazy so my mom got up to check. she found you peeing in a corner by the tv. And you kept shhhing her.
I don't see why I have to pay for it.
your head went through the window, you're pretty much obligated to pay for it.
My Boss was giving porn recommendations. I think I'm scarred for life.
Randomize
