we're blogging at a bar
During sex she told me I could do anything I wanted to her. You remember that toy lightsaber we bought at Wal Mart?
your ability to fuck hot guys even when you go out in sweats amazes me
Exactly. wat kind of friend would i be if i even pretended to give a shit about ur problems
the only human I can compare her to is rosie o'donnell.
Only mom could turn an abortion day into a shopping day
He took me by the hand and ordered me to make him vodka soup.. I think I like him?
You said eat breakfast. So i poured Baileys on top of m&m's. It taste just like like cereal I swear.
Two girls just making out in the elevator. Didn't stop when the doors opened. Part of me didnt mind, but part did. Bc I wanted to get on the elevator without it getting awkward. Am I gay?
I have a meeting at work in an hour, I'm so hungover going outside is NOT happening there are roads and shit I'll totally get myself killed.
I walked in and you were laying on the floor bleeding everywhere half asleep half crying and moe was at the kitchen table eating frozen pizza refusing to acknowledge you. What a sight.
As usual, I had to fight him for his car keys. Though this time he made it to the valet garage. All the Hispanic attendants gathered around and watched. Felt like I was in a cock fight.
You've got until 8 and then I'm kicking down your door and pouring a beer down your ass via funnel
THEY LEFT ME IN A CLUB BY MYSELF. I’M SO ANNOYED. I’M GOING TO FUCK THEIR BARTENDER FRIEND. Caps only because I’m really mad.
I saw some guy masturbating in the Burger King parking lot and I’m just fucking done
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