You Definitely drank the goldfish bowl like it was a giant margarita
If you could channel this insane talent for stalking you'd be a great weapon for this country. If you had a crush on Bin Ladin, guaranteed he'd be found, monitered and tagged within five days.
She just wrapped her tongue around my thumb.....lizard girl may be my next wife.
Now we are really drunk and her 17 yr old cousin is shitfaced. He may or may not have proposed a toast to octopuses and double fisting. And we just drank to Mexico.
I woke up with someone else's vomit on my ass. That's how I'm doing today.
Dude...that line about her giving me a blowjob to get rid of her hangover actually got rid of her hangover. Spread the word.
She's currently upstairs fucking her boyfriend while I am downstairs making them a sex playlist watching her boyfriend's Weiner dog and large Boxer try and mount each other. Marvin Gaye is playing. This is the ultimate third wheel fail.
When a guy wants to eat something off you and then comes back with microwaved strudel and custard, back the fuck out. I have apple-chunk burns on my tits.
So how was the sex with me last night?
No worse than usual.
I was just at home taking Vicodin for a week straight. Talk about a vacation.
I'm cutting her off I can't have my good name soiled with these kinds of shenanigans
Shit is preposterous
My mom just asked if I've gotten any girls pregnant how is your day going
Just leave a note saying "riding dick see you in the mornig"
Hold on gotta plunge the sink
Is that a euphemism for sex? Either way, have a good time
You know something is wrong with your lifestyle when you have to clean easy Mac cheese powder off of your scale
at least it's not cocaine like last time
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