Don't come here someone got drunk and rolled the keg to buger king. no more beeer
Nothing says Christmas like gin and tears.
Watching a deaf couple have an argument in the mall. Can't bring myself to look away.
you refused to leave the drive-thru at mcdonalds until the cashier took a jello shot
I seriously just washed my dick in a public restroom. That's how dirty last night got
Today as a vday present for myself I am walking in between any couples I see on campus.
In a min. With a stripper at the hospital. Business. Not pleasure.
I'm not really into her personality. Not that we've ever looked for personality in women.
That's only a quality to look for in a second marriage.
The only reason I'd ever want a boyfriend is so that someone would spoon feed me applesauce when I'm so hungover I can't move
He made me sneak beer in the diaper bag... guess who is winning 2012 parents of the year
A big toe in my vag is not foreplay.
While leaving the bar with another guy I told the bouncer I was sad his friend had a fiancee
You were drinking Everclear weren't you?
You're the common denominator of my blackouts.
Basically I think I'm replacing men/sex with theme parks.
I danced my ass off after the funeral last night. Kept dropping it low and I can feel it in my legs today. Im like shit I needa go work out
What a way to honor the dead
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