I just saw my grandmother naked. again. this needs to stop now.
I like waking up with a slight hangover cause I'm dehydrated and it makes me feel thinner.
she said she's never had and orgasm AND she's a cubs fan...ouch.
random question: do you know anywhere in the tri-state that has elephant racing? this is a work related question.
The fact that its 530pm and I'm saying to myself I should sober up since I'm at a family establishment should say enough
I just found a video on my phone from last night of you yelling, "you can't fuck me!" at least 20 times
I'm by the dj to the left. Come get me now this girl is talking about baby names and I dnt even no hers
I can't see you
I'm the only one that's wearing a tarzan outfit get your ass over here you douche
And don't worry, my exact words were "I can't believe a baby came outta that thing"
You will never know an awkward moment until your parents pick you up from a one night stand.
My professor laid down on the floor and told us a story that involved being naked covered in Vaseline with a pumpkin on your head. No lie. This is going to be a great semester.
Wedding party came into the bar an hour ago. Mother of the bride is a stage five clinger. send help.
I put in a tampon while driving a moving vehicle. I feel like this is simultaneously a new low and the sort of feat that deserves a merit badge.
For someone who wanted a break I'm getting way to much dick
sober me doesnt really want him anymore, but when drunk me takes over, she might want him, and god only knows the shit that might happen with drunk me.
Nice girl until she takes off the fake human suit and shows you the flesh eating demon she truly is
Randomize
