Oh man dude like 1000 to 1500 milligrams. Its gonna burn like bad though.
fuck off i hope your children turn out to be republicans
please dont ever try to drink horizontally again. I thought I was going to have to give you cpr
drunk guy next to me on the train just tried to share his pizza with me
he just tried to feed it to me...i love new york
Sometimes I wish I could open my skin and just take a little peek at my liver. You know, just to see if it's rotten yet or still perfect looking.
I vaguely remember you trying to make me a casserole with marshmallows and a can of beer.
Bring scissors.....i think im gonna have to be cut out of this damn jockstrap
You put your name in his phone but not your number then screamed "Open the door!" and jumped out of the car
Just watched an entire Mariachi band walk of shame home together. Halloween at its finest
She was hiding under the bed to surprise me with sex. But when you took your hookup in my room to bang things out, she thought I was cheating on her. So explain it to her douche.
I wish I could be at this cabin banging all these old dads
They've already turned me into the Dean of Students once because they felt 'unsafe' because I came home hammered and asked one of them to make me a grilled cheese sandwich. Like, I just ASKED!
I know I've never told you this before.. but Gyro sauce makes everything okay.
Lol if he questions who I am I'm gonna send him a pic of his boxers
What do you bring to an "I'm getting divorced party?"
.......Shattered dreams and tequila?
Randomize
