She gave me a foot massage with her tongue. I think we're both scarred for life.
She refused to give me a hand job while we were watching a war movie saying she didn't wanna disrespect the soldiers
he called me back to his office so he could lick a line of pixie stick off of my thigh
be sure to add "office slut" to your resume
Listen, it's not like I meant to bust the window out. It just sort of happened. And I'm also sorry for stealing your dads bandanas.
So Monday we're lesbians.
Deal. This decision is final and any rebates on this will result in losing an eyeball.
he ate me out like 4 times and told me that my vagina "was too much fun".
I didnt want you guys to know I needed to puke, so I just nonchalantly did in my solo cup and threw it out the window
I'm bored enough im considering taking up his offer to turn me straight just to kill time until the lasagna is out of the oven
You know I ate twenty hot dogs in an hour once.
I am honestly so surprised you are a lesbian.
Drunk assassins creed leads to explaining to my father that "it was only a steak knife in the arm"
And if you put this on Facebook, I will drop live cockroaches in your mouth while you sleep and then smother you with a pillow.
You always say the most romantic things
My husband gave me a key to his house. I thinks this means we're getting kinda serious.
you were just in my dream and you looked at me and said "Christmas is cold." I think you're wasted even in my dreams.
How did I get home last night?
We put your keys on a lanyard that asked anyone that found you to bring you home. A nice man in a cape, green shorts and a mesh shirt dropped you off this morning.
Oh. Yeah. Riiiggghhht
We already gave up cheese, how are we supposed to give up coke?
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