got arrested for "breaking and entering" last night when i supposedly went into the wrong house made a sandwich and tried jerking off to porn on the tv...the cops told me they came in while my dick was out...oh and i missed work this morning and got fired
If you liked it then you shoulda put your dick in it, oh uh uh oh
Yes. Being a lesbian's wingman is a fun as it sounds
I got a handjob to the OC theme song. It was like going back in time 7 years.
Fyi when u order four mini bottles of scotch on a 45 min flight. The flight attendants jaw drops to the floor.
First I must say that I am disappointed to learn that you knowingly have trashy friends with whom you've not hooked me up.
Other than a hickey from some random Canadian roller derby girl, I came out unscathed
Can we put your name for the shipping address for penis ice luge?
it felt like i was a kid in an empty playground. i fucked him on every piece of furniture in the house and then when his housemates showed up i was naked in his bed like i'd been there all along.
Taking my infected piercing out in the parking lot of the food card place. This is one of those life defining moments that makes me sad.
Drunkness level: fluent in olde norse
Fyi - we're going to be eating those sandwiches in bed when you get home.
Would you be so kind as to inform your husband that my truck is forever cursed by mashed potatoes and it's his fault.
you were walking down the sidewalk and just puked. didnt even stop or slow down and just kept going. i was so impressed i didnt even tell anyone you threw up on passing peoples shoes.
I am 11 times too hungover to give the eulogy
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