I'm too scared of my Fleshlight to even use it anyway.
Happy hour is for amateurs. Been drunk since 1230. Fell asleep in a disney viewing of UP. Went to the roosevelt and drank more. Now im stumbling around the grove.
I feel like my life has just been one 21 year long episode of "i shouldn't be alive"
i took my goldfish out of his bowl last night and put him in my bed
If there is a god, you will have pink eye tomorrow.
As we were fooling around he told me he was conceived on this bed like it would turn me on.
and after i failed the breathalyzer i said to the cop "i've never been very good at tests"....
we def had a heart to heart that turned into a BJ last night
Well the good news is ill probably have my new boobs by the time he sees me naked
You are the only lesbian I know that needs plan b
I think I was just hit on by Jesus Christ. This is not okay. Bad Touch. I NEED AN ADULT!
Calm the hell down, it's just stoner Bob.
I enjoy the company of your penis
I didn't think you wanted your identity stolen along with your dignity. My mistake.
Maverick's sitting in jail wearing a turkey costume and I am soooo jealous.
Man, I'm never going tanning again he noticed the burns on my ass
Randomize
