It's pretty bad when the convenient store clerk can tell you that you're earlier than usual for visiting the store.
i was puking in the toilet, he walked in and to talk to me and started puking in the sink.. Could this be my perfect man??
Her tattoo has the intellectual profundity of snakes on a plane except you can't laugh.
Wow i just got reported to security for being a homeless person trying to break into the library.
My birth control alarm gets more depressing every night.
Problem: At home sick with a stomach virus. Solution: smoke weed all day...
Remind me to tell you the "if you give a mouse a special brownie" story when you get back
I wish there was a classy way to show off your boobs.
Cumming on a girls face is guy code for you're not wife material.
I just smoked my last bit of kief with a grill lighter. This is what crackheads must feel like.
I just found a casserole dish in my oven filled with broken glass, blood, and chopsticks. And the REALLY fucked up thing is that finding it answered more questions than it raised.
I wanna give a stern lecture to whoever invented pants cause they are hard right now
You can't honestly expect me to maintain an erection when you have the Glen Beck show on
immediately after sex he started talking to me about nerdy stuff he meant to text me earlier, I'm completely smitten
Remember when we got high off our ass and you talked me into running in place then punched me in the face and said it was a wall?
Ya, you were bleeding for an hour and a half
Randomize
