This house was built for laser tag.
Last night when I was hammered I set a reminder to tell you that your boobs are my favorite ones in the world, so this is me giving you that message.
I just heard the term negative masterbation and I don't believe it
im really going to miss that car, so many blow jobs...
hes like my own personal sex toy i use him on the weekends and then i have the option to put him away all week
i got to hold a baby today and i loved it and i want a baby but actually i'm going to make an appointment to get birth control now.
you got to sleep with him and don't even remember it? that's like sleeping through an entire vacation
I feel like they've probably fucked. Like.. you don't just bring a bitch a Big Mac if you haven't fucked her.
I got into the shower with my underwear on. I just sat down in the tub and tried to figure out when I lost all control of this hangover.
You caught me at a bad time. I'm stoned enough that I'm ready to sleep but also not stoned enough that I wanna smoke again but also stoned enough to not wanna drive anywhere
I just put vagisil on my bug bites how do you think my morning is going
Pooled our money and rented a bouncy castle for the day. Get over here now. Bring vodka.
I'm sitting naked on my bathroom floor and it remind me of us.
That's my way of saying I miss you
Whenever a guy asks me why I like weird sex stuff, I just answer, "Catholic School".
So she said she could really go for a cheeseburger and I remembered I had one in my pocket. No idea where it came from.
Randomize
