So drunk i had to piss sitting down...
u ever jackoff with ur legs spread and pretend ur fuckin urself as a girl and get mad u'll never know what that feels like. Or to fly like a bird?
Did u absorb a fraternal twin in the womb?
I'm pretty sure my penis yawned halfway through. That loose.
just found a carrot inside of a baby sock. living with toddlers is like living with tiny hammered people.
At beerfest, hammered, going to try to not get naked in public but i cant make any promises
I just spend twenty minutes scrubing the "Happy Birthday" off of my vagina. He's never gonna forget this.
I know he'd never cheat on me. It'd be like choosing Mexican tap water over Patron.
I am going to MURDER whoever gave him my phone number but it was probably drunk me so I'm conflicted.
He was Jesus for Halloween and I definitely got on my knees and gave him praise.
When you're done railing that chick, there is still half a pizza and some ninja turtle mac and cheese down here if you want
When is the right time to ask your new roommate for her school schedule so she doesn't walk in on you fucking some rando in the kitchen in the middle of the afternoon?
You came in, yelled 'i am from the future' then puked all over the floor
Yup we found her. The bouncer was carrying her out
I threw a lamp at you?
Yes, yes you did.
Awesome
It's official! Naked girl is back and making stir fry. Still not sure she realizes we can see her whole apartment from our balcony. Cheap beer and a show.
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