I just peed or puked all or around my parjibgb lot.
parking. I am not drunk
Saw a guy smoking a cig holding it with a fork and driving WTF?
it's one of those mornings where you are proud of yourself just for waking up.
So I had a Liz Lemon moment today....went to Chipotle to get my "cheer me up" burrito bowl for the 4th time this week and the chipotle guy sighed and said always the same huh?
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So I made him an imaginary sandwich and told him that the day I didn't have to fake it, neither would he.
Just walked by a yard full of girls wearing bikinis. I did my best to stare.
These margaritas aren't just going to regret themselves.
Thoughts of banging the girl who just opened my beer with her teeth?
I was changing in front of my window and my neighbor text me saying, "nice pubes."
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Well it ended with everyone taking a bite out of a raw potato and a girl crying because her boyfriend wouldn't bring her any grape juice. So yeah...I'd say the night was a success.
Had a slight melanoma scare this morning. Spoiler alert, it was Nutella.
So woke up naked and found my clothes from last night in my kitchen with a half eaten quesadilla
I'm definitely not mad. My best friend is dating my drug dealer, it's impossible to be mad.
I knew you were on something when you said you were a puppy and you ate all the frosty Paws dog ice cream which says not for human consumption right on the side of it.
But we have bathrooms and they dont
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