Eliza got arrested. What's the protocol on eating an arrested person's sandwich?
You're just mad at the fact that I want to be a car alarm.
She just stuck her hand down the strippers pants. Shit just got real.
Nothing like a Mormon bachlorette party to make you feel slutty
In case you were wondering...putting everclear into a humidifier DOES get you really really drunk.
if you spike my cofee one more time im gona fuck you up. im presenting to the mayor in sevven fucking minuets. fuck you and youir fucking bartending classses i am so fuckign fcked
Last night after the bar I went home and ate a pulled pork sandwich in a bubble bath
Is it weird to say that Kobe reminds me of a wise brontosaurus?
Why am I getting texts saying are you ready for this butthole? Help
Last night I flashed a car full of people my tits for a bag of pretzels so yeah I'd say I was at least tipsy.
Wait I'm all alone with a guy and his turtle
I stopped hooking up with him and ran to the bathroom to throw up. He saw me throwing up and it made him throw up
Ran up to the dollar store to get batteries for my vibrator. Happy Valentines Day!
First aid class means get dry humped by moderately attractive college students during heimlich maneuver training.
if I hear Wonderful Christmastime one more time I'm putting my foot up Paul McCartney's ass.
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