Ugh I have so many sins to confess tmw at church, you just made me think of many more I've made on that street alone
JoAnns office is warmer than mine. . .it must be because she has the gateway to hell under her desk.
I thouht it was time to go to sleep and suddenly I was front row on brokeback mountain
We just got home. I got some malt liqour and a lottery ticket so I'm really doing a lot with my life right now
Last night must have been awesome, my dog still smells like vomit.
He called himself excalibur. Thats all I remember.
The cop told us he we helped him pass his monthly bong quota. He almost ran out of room on the hood of his car..
I'm an approx 70% certain someone switched my UV Blue for Windex - just as volatile as you might think.
Hopefully my orange shoes will distract people's attention from my crippling awkwardness
LET US USE OUR GENITALS TO CELEBRATE THIS VICTORY
I slept awesome next to you. You're like an electric blanket that I can have morning sex with.
I don't want to be "that guy" but I may have accidentally sent a dick pic to your mom
At least Shia Labeouf would encourage me to do this drinking contest
I took multi-tasking to a new level. I just ate a plate of nachos off my lap while driving to the bar. And I barely got any on me.
do I look like a person who has full control of their limbs and existence on this plane of reality
Randomize
