we were taking shots of hot tequila, which is even worse than it sounds
this whole plan B standoff thing with her is really starting to make me nervous
Yeah well I used to see how many bud lights I could slam down during the pledge of allegiance, my record was 4, but I could do better now.
She straight up told me, "I don't care if he films as long as he's quiet." You sure you can't find the camera?
There seems no grander way to celebrate 420 than to smoke atop a mountain peak.
You took off all your clothes to try on her fur coat and then punched me when I said you couldn't wear it to bed.
Help me. My dealer just asked me to have a child with him. Sat me down for a heart to heart "he's almost 40 and losing his shit cause he's single and wants babies" talk. How the fuck am I supposed to feel about this????
so apparently last weekend we taught the mascot how to shotgun beers. am i winning college yet?
No one understands the complete and utter debilitating 3 day bday bender.
I can't take my grandparents out somewhere where I've fucked half the staff.
She made me a smoothie in the morning.. It was vodka and fruit.
She was totally amazed that i had the pizza delivery timed to coincide with our nooner and that the delivery boy knew where the broom closet on the 3rd floor was.
Seriously, why do I have a mortar round?
Hurricane Harvey ruined my dick appt. WTF?!
I told him I was studying his body for art, so now I have to actually do a drawing of him to not look like a creep and so we can hook up again.
Randomize
