The sex was so good, I called my ex during the 2nd time just so he could hear. Is that mean?
you know how they say when you die, your whole life flashed before you? well do you get to see what happened all the nights you blacked out?
She has her iPod in her ears slippers and sweats on and is walking around the house up and down the stairs getting "exercise" she just stopped for a water break
why is there cat hair all over my deoderant?
she wanted to smell more freshershest than you.
I'll be honest, not actually surprised to find half a Big Mac box and bits of broken security glass by the sofa.
I was wondering if I fell or perhaps got hit by a truck, then I remembered, it's cause I did a splits contest at the bar
You will not judge me for my made-up holiday of wine appreciation day
One huge ass giant mistake followed by celebatory shots and coors lights thats my day in a nut shell
I think you'll be amused to know that I achieved the impossible feat of tripping over my own dick
It wasn't even dirty talking, it was more like the soothing gentle nonsense noises you make when you've spooked a horse.
YOU TRIED TO SWIM IN HER FISHTANK. I don't think she's going to call you.
HE LITERALLY JUST PEED IN MY ROOM IDK WHAT TO DO HELP
Apparently I've texted the word shitfucked so much it auto-completes it now.
He doesn't wear a seatbelt. He votes Republican. He has a small dick. That house of cards just fell apart.
Oh my god my purse is too heavy for me to dance with boys cause it has too many stolen sink faucets in it
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