He's telling me stories about how he made out with a 14 yr old when he was 22. I'm going home.
A guy at the bar bought me a jag bomb because I'm the chick that frosts his donuts at KT. Never have I been more proud of being a failure at life.
the pharmacist hit on me as i picked up my herpes medecine. i think we found a winner.
It's alarming how good I'm getting at being productive at work on Thursday after Johnny Walker Wednesdays.
I'm sure I'm not the FIRST newly single girl to table dance at a family restaurant.
She's cheated on every boyfriend she's ever had with the same guy. She's like a slutty yo-yo.
I knew he cared when I got his text "happy birthday to the girl who gives phenomenal head"
She just landed. Popped over for a BJ and left. I'm a fan of layover layovers.
Well, I tried to shit into my refrigerator. It was a rough night.
Ok get your liver ready for the weekend. Harry Potter Drinking Game Marathon is a go. BYO liquor of choice, rule cards at the door. I wanna see some Hagrid level drinking out of you, Muggle.
We're living together and you don't know if I've seen Titanic?!
Last year I got a dildo in the mail on my birthday. Today it was just a credit card bill. Sadface.
I'm standing on the corner in a banana costume and cape with frozen bananas in my utility belt reassessing my life decisions.
I JUST WANT TO SIT IN MY UNDERWEAR AND WATCH THE BRAVES GAME AND NOT BE CONSTRAINED BY MY ED SHEERAN SHORTS
So the vodka/tequila mix went down fine but the burp made me cry
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