I need to stop coming to work sober
yeah seriously, fuck school. I'm changing my master's thesis question from "what are the neuropsychological correlates of antisocial personality" to "will my cat drink this beer"
For the amount I put out, I should be going on way more dates.
Telling me its the beginning of school is like telling me the crown royal fairy has come back from vacation.
I'm just gonna plan on never getting a bf. everything I touch turns to gay
Food lion is just a portal. Cheetos are the goal. Its like not banging a super hot chick cause she is french. She still has the same parts just from a different box.
Now I am going to fly my toy helicopter in the dark.
I think I just snorted head and shoulders by mistake.
I have experienced an excessively hairy ballsack in my mouth...and it was horrifying. I keep feeling it in my mouth now. It's like hairy ball PTSD.
He wrote on the bartenders notepad "phone?" So I wrote back "911"
I pay 3K a month for rent, yet last nite I broke into the back of my building, scaled over 2 tons of garbage in heels and took a dirty freight elevator to my floor just so my doorman wouldn't see how fucked up I was
U know ur prob on camera right?
After 2 minutes he came and said, "thanks for everything". I can't wait to hear what he says next time when I do more than just lay there.
This is an alert from the drunk police: you have reached the point of no return. Text messages past this point are illegible.
After we won that round of beer pong you attempted to swallow the winning ball whole claiming you had the mouth and jaw of a snake.
A snake? I must've been gone...
After that you got naked and hissed at people the rest of the night..
Hopefully he gets to dig deep into my body, before he digs deep into my past ..
Go shave, and then go fuck the man
YOU ARE SO CRUDE, I LOVE YOU
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