it wasn't lemon gatorade
Got a basket, 50 condoms, some candy, 100 plastic eggs & my bunny costume. Campus will feel my wrath in 2 weeks
She said her first boyfreind was so small she is still technically a virgin.
is it sad that I can recall my outfits by who took them off?
they would be such cute babies and they would grow up to have huge dicks. and that would make me proud as a mother
Finally put clothes on I've been laying naked in the bed for approximately 4 hours since I showered and by showered I mean when I laid down in the bathtub with the shower on
Found out it was only pneumonia. We celebrated hydrocodone cough syrup. Two long island ice teas at lunch and the random white powder we found in her purse. Mother of the year award.
Two options. One, you listen while I freak out. Two, we have mediocre to awesome car sex and don't talk. Either way, I'll be there by 7
Nothing like being buzzed at 10:20am off wine shots in Amish country
Sometimes you just gotta fuck a has been local celebrity for your 15 minutes.
Wait are we really having an orgy on Tuesday?
IT'S FUCKING BABY SEASON ON FACEBOOK. MY VAGINA WANTS TO THROW UP
I still have that dildo-suction bruise on my forehead and this sweater STILL smells like my Christmas Eve vomit.
Kyle passed out in the tub after breaking a glass and shouting, "WHAT ASSHOLE GAVE ME A GLASS?" His girlfriend gave it to him...
Pandemic Silver Lining: cheap hotel rates makes it easier to have afternoon fun with my side dick
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