I look like Roseanne just got in a bar fight with Rosie O'Donnell.
the number of months ive had a girlfriend in my life divided by the number of blowjobs ive gotten is extremely depressing...
Tiger Woods should have just walked in, gave everyone a high five, and left.
He's sitting on the floor holding his bracket and crying, literally crying... he just keeps saying "Kansas how could you?" over and over
I can do anything tonight that doesnt involve an erection.
Just a heads up: The party is Fourth of July themed. Spread the word
dude its may
Work with me here, man.
Numbies before the dentist, such a good idea.
Now he's trying to use the tornado warnings as an excuse to get head. Yeah, b/c THAT'S the last taste I want in my mouth b4 I die...
that wasn't rum that I poured down your throat while you were sleeping
I can feel my liver begging me to stop.
Come over, we're having a tea party. And by a tea party I mean we're drinking whiskey from tea cups.
The cops busted down the door and everyone ran. I was just trying to find my shirt before I got arrested
I guess my vagina missed him because it called and left a 5 min. message. Color me impressed
How did I pull off convincing everyone that my name is Dad? Maybe they were just distracted by my boobs.
Chasing down vodka with apple juice and crying. Alone.
Randomize
