...So a 6 ft tall drag queen in heels I would kill for just told me I have a dunkable ass. I'm confused...but I'll take any compliment I can.
An ex-gang member just asked me out on a date via note. And spelled dinner wrong. Win?
Blew in her face. She is Pissed. Yahtzee. As she brushes her teeth.
WTF YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND?
Oh yeah that.
Dude, just paid my sister in vicodin to go out and buy me a slushie.
I just told a dude I hooked up with last night he was the pick of the litter.
Theres just something about looking at pictures of your dick in church that doesn't feel right
On your way out, lock the front door. And by lock the front door, I mean find the door handle, reattach it, and then lock it.
I can't leave. She doesn't trust me and my penis being out in the world without supervision.
And then my hands went numb and no one believed me so I started putting peoples cigarettes out on them. Shitty idea i'll tell you that much
Date idea: we should go to the store and buy all the different kinds of Lay's and eat them all
I just realized why I have little cuts all over my fingers. There was a broken pint glass in my purse last night.
I told him I felt we were at the point where if I saw him talking to another girl, I'd probably choke him out. So I guess you could say things are getting serious.
... and this time i WILL NOT make out with anyone dressed as batman.
That awkward moment when you realize you've been secretly blackout dating someone for three months. Drunk me is in a committed relationship.
Randomize
