My 12 y/o god son's bandmate just asked me to their school dance. Still he's a better catch than the last one...
There were so few words spoken that I'm not sure if it was make-up or break-up sex.
The bouncer at this strip club is my new best friend. He is also very persuasive. He got me to strip onstage for a t shirt. It's a nice shirt.
she's living proof man. somebody has literally pissed in the gene pool
There's a treasure map on your stomach. Treasure may or may not be the clothes you lost...enjoy
Either I'm deep cleaning my apartment out of severe academic procrastination or I'm subconsciously nesting and need to take a pregnancy test.
I forgot to tell you, wear something you can puke on Saturday. We're christening this marriage with a shot of jager. NOT KIDDING.
My vagina is screaming your name . Wtf did you do to it
He was smart enough to bring a condom to our study date so I mean I'm sure he'll do fine on the test
My liver is fucking rocky. Get knocked down 7 times and gets up 8. World champ
And my cousin was so drunk he called an uber and instead he got into a cop car and they took him to the hospital
Her name was Danica but I felt like it would be hard to say drunk so I called her Shelby
I just brought her a lipstick taser. So just remember that the next time you get smart with her
I have a bottle of rum in my pocket...what does that say about me...
You come prepared
I think the pizza guy was in shock..
Well I didn't mean to answer the door only in socks but I mean come on, 4 hours of sex works up an appetite! I WAS RAVENOUS
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