Sometimes, when I'm driving alone I talk to myself in a Russian accent so I think it's my mommy and it calms me down.
i woke up at 5 am and found myself wrapped in christmas lights that were plugged into the wall.
so i havent checked yet but im almost positive that my left ass cheek is bruised. any idea what happened last night.
what the fuck man? i was JUST texting you the same thing. FUCK
My teachers should feel privileged to see me this morning, after the amount of alcohol I consumed last night.
All we had was a keg so we played edward nalgene-hands
If I don't have herpes this will be the single greatest day of my life
Haha I will however wear glass and and draw a lightning bolt scar if you want to have sex that way, and that can be the only time you can call me Harry.
he made me feel like a shish kabob. his dick was the skewer.
and you said he wasn't worth calling.
Fire alarms went off at reception of gay wedding im at. We all had to evacuate until FD got here. Then...ill just text the photos.
When people ask about my bruises, I'm just going to say it was a doorknob. Or possibly a group of doorknobs. Angry doorknobs.
You know you're fucked up when you decide to pour fireball whiskey in your vegetable beef soup
You're the only one to love me enough for me to admit the following: Rock-bottom sounds like sobbing to a Miley Cyrus song.
I never thought I'd have to apologize for tasting like absinthe and cheetos before tonight
It's beautiful. It's what jesusxwants. I should send you a pic of my boobs out of friendship
we had to take 10 shots sometime before midnight, then 11 shots between midnight and 1. so yes its gonna be a rough day.
Randomize
