he breathalyzed me before we had sex.
Why do you apologize after every time we have sex?
Last time we were that stoned we made a "everything you can fit in the blender" shake. Didn't end well..
Emergency! LinkedIn connected me to a hotornot hookup from sophomore year... slutty phase sphere has officially invaded grown up professional sphere. My illusions of interweb sexual anonymity have been exploded.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Either I'm drunk or judge Judy has 3D commercials...so I think I'm drunk. Also I may or may not haven eaten a hoagie on the toilet when I didn't want to stand up
So would it be tacky to offer my services as a future attorney as an engagement gift for her?
Hey, who is this? Sorry, you're in my phone as "you better remember".
Haha yeah my head's fine..sorry about the dent in your fridge.
Think of it this way, instead of a puppy, we're getting a baby.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
lost her for two hours. she was banging a russian guy in her car in the parking lot. he told her she was majestic.
It's the eve of Christ's birthday and I'm sending pictures of my tits
Its like the floor is slow but life is fast?
I see you found the nyquil...
So help me God.... if he sends me a dick pic.... I will make it so he has to eat food through a tube in his nose and poop into a bag by his belly button
The expiration date on my 40 is the same day as my 21st birthday
Well, I was arguably the most sober adult in the house by 1 in the afternoon, so I'd say Superbowl Shitshow was a success.
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