So I just walked in on one of our neighbors having sex...on our couch.
WHAT?!
He apologized for staining our couch, then asked if he could make me a drink. Pretty sure he was still inside her while we were talking.
Dude I just picked up a married chick while her husband was playing pool.
What do you mean you picked her up? How are you gonna leave the bar?
I didn't. I fucked her in the men's room. Come get me before he finds out.
apparently i'm not the first person wake up and realize she's ugly cuz i tore this house apart and there is no sign of my clothes
I'll listen to your side of the story when you stop being such a whore.
I remember why I come home for the holidays. Sam Adams is the cheapest beer in the fridge
nothing like celebrating the fact that you're not a father by trying to impregnate other women
This is to remind you the pizza is in the dishwasher birthday boy eat it before it goes on
Oh btw I learned how to say "my penis is a flamethrower" in German. Tonights gonna be fun
I CAN ONLY BE THE BIRDIE ON YOUR SHOULDER WHO LEADS YOU INTO BAD DESCISIONS
My penis has like 3 people bidding on it
I mean there are real risks associated with having unprotected sex, but I don’t think I need to worry about a ghost possessing me and having unprotected sex while using my body
Found Ryan’s keys in the fridge. On my way back.
Also, tell him he missed Nathan passing out in the dryer.
Omfg I just White Claw shamed a Girl Scout Cookie mom and I feel SO BAD.
Came up to an intersection and someone was blasting My Chemical Romance at like 9 AM. They're DEFINITELY having a good day
I’m tired of his bullshit and premature ejaculation. I’m going to hotel bars and finding a guy who is DTF
Randomize
