my grandmother thought she vaccuumed up a quarter so she made me open the bag, dump it out on her front lawn, and dig through it. no quarter.
so you masturbated because Oprah told you?
Being this Hungover on Easter has brought my closer to Jesus... I swear he had to feel shitty like this after coming back from the dead
Making jello shots drunk, i apologize ahead of time if they are too strong Can't taste anything.
Only once have I found myself in the condom aisle holding a bundt cake...
I can feel my moral fiber fraying.
He insists on falling asleep with his penis between my buttcheeks. He says its his "home".
She's cute, but batshit. Like some kind of dominatrix disney princess.
THAT FUCKER WASTED TWO OF MY COLORED CONDOMS! HE DIDN'T EVEN FUCKING FINISH IN IT HE JUST SLAPPED IT ON AND WASTED IT!
Someone had written "Boxmonsterette" on the bathroom wall and I just knew you'd been here.
I'm remembering the time we thought it was a brilliant idea to put koolaid powder in shots of goldschlager
He was hammered and shot his pistol into the lawn. Next thing I know sheriffs are at our house with M4s. He likes to party
I don't know what I was talking about but I just threw up in ikea. You can't get out of this place it's a fucking labyrinth.
That's what you get for doing kinky shit with a guy that lives in his moms basement.
Good morning! Spongebob is on channel 257 when you wake up. Help yourself to breakfast. You were great last night. See you when I get back.
Randomize
