Took her home last night and it was like trying to put an oyster in a slot machine. I may have drank a little too much.
i just woke up at 8pm naked in my bed, with a fresh haircut. I wonder what barber i went to.
You couldn't stand up so I took you home, took off your makeup, put you to bed then shaved off your eyebrows. I so nearly won the responsible adult prize.
He asked me if I could call his penis destroyer... Uhh SOS.
he gave me a new purse full of weed and five boxes of samoas for my birthday. best boyfriend ever.
THAT DOESN'T MEAN YOU SHOULD LET ME CHUG VODKA.
Just helped a homeless man panhandle outside of Wawa, made him $6.31. Where are you?
My life is over. I farted in open court. Noticeably. The judge looked at me. It echoed.
I just pictured ballsacks being shoveled into the furnace of the Titanic.
And THIS is why we get drunk. No good story, documentation, or event happens by eating a salad. Alcohol consumption leads to good things
If I had a dick, I'd stick it in some Oreo pancakes
Leave it to me to sleep w a guy who gets poison ivy on his dick
Dude how much would someone have to pay you to get you to slide your vagina across a bald man's head because Honestly I'd do it for the experience alone. but money would be nice too\n\nI'm thinkin like 500 bucks. Maybe 700
Why are you like this.
We could probably bang our way to enlightenment. However acid helps.
looked it up online and zoo tickets are only 20 bucks and there's also a museum of science close to the hotel.
i'm not going to a FUCKING museum. i want to be wasted and possibly double penetrated... have you EVER been on vacation?
Randomize
