Turn sideways at McDonald's = actual directions to a winery
This is how I know I have no life... Jon and Kate are my emotional roller coaster.
His mom just described him as a manipulative, deceitful bastard -- oddly I still want him
I knew I was high when I wanted to write a poem about how great it felt to wash my face
He's upstairs shouting 'FUCK OFF I'M IN MY MOTHERFUCKING ZEN ZONE' out of the window.
Oh my god. I slept with my boyfriend last night. It was wonderful.
And when I say my boyfriend I mean my electric blanket. Because that's the kind of life I lead.
BTW car sex works all the muscle groups. Just sayin. Legs/butt are sore as are arms, back and core.
He woke up & asked where his pants were then asked where he was then asked who I was. Been married 20 yrs. He was drunkest ever.
I gave him a blowjob to kill bill. 2 of my favorite things.
I just got high and swiffered the bathroom floor....2 for 2 on brilliant life ideas
You need to stop vomiting in the washing machine, bro. For real this time.
Your youporn search history says otherwise.
I woke up and saw that my last google search was "Bacon neck".
After the "sex" was over I dressed as quickly as possible. And then he came over to me stark naked and embraced me. For over a minute. And all I could think was please get your penis off my dress.
A true gentleman never tells. But yes, I did indeed get laid last night
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